Not forgot: Toast to health in '06

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And never brought to mind?

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,

And days of auld lang syne?

 This song makes no sense, but I sing it every year at the stroke of midnight on New Year's Eve. Why do I bother to sing it when I'm clueless about its meaning? For all I know, the song means genocide, homicide, suicide, or fratricide. Maybe it goes to show that it takes only a good melody to put people in good spirits and– well, trust that what they're singing is a kind song.

I'm sure all of you have a New Year's resolution. Don't you think you should have some health resolutions? Here are some suggestions:

I will not overeat to the point that I believe I'm burning off calories just by preventing myself from vomiting.

I will exercise at least five times a week so that I don't get buttock ulcers from sitting on the couch with a five-pound bag of potato chips on my lap while watching Grey's Anatomy.

I will not consume alcohol in excess. I will realize a glass of wine is only four ounces and not the size of a Super Gulp; hard liquor is only one ounce and not a Bewitched martini glasses the size of Greenland.

I will drink more water and avoid sugary drinks that could fuel Brazil.

I will not smoke, and I will not allow anyone near me to smoke. If I smell someone else's smoke, I will politely break wind to prove that air is a shared commodity. Also, if I spot anyone polluting by throwing their cigarette butts on the green earth or dumping their ashtray on the street, I will empty my trash in their pockets.

I will not complain about my co-payments or bills to my doctor because I know my health is more important than a stupid payment. Instead, I will complain... my health insurance company for making seven-digit bonuses on my premiums but not covering my heart medication, my lawyers for charging me per minute on the phone, my plumber for making me sell my first born to pay for copper pipes, professional athletes for raking in tons of money to buy more drugs and get in fist fights for children to emulate, my cell phone carrier for charging me $100 just for turning on my phone, my grocery store for selling fresh fruit and vegetables at the cost of a Tiffany's bauble, and junk food at the cost of Britney Spears' reputation,

...and to gas stations and utilities that make paying for gas as much fun as having gas.

And now the holiday chants:

"I will be kind to others as I wish people to be kind to me." (Madonna would say that comes from Kabbalah, but Kathy Griffin would say it comes from the first-grade teacher who taught you manners.)

"I will take care of myself and be safe. I will wear my seatbelt in the car, wear sunscreen outside, make sure my smoke detectors work, and not have a gun (but if I do I'll lock it away from children). I will wear a helmet with certain activities, practice safe sex, and not drink and drive or tolerate any form of domestic violence.

"I will view life with a positive attitude and be openly thankful for the precious, rare time I have. Life is too short to feel discontent and be nasty."

Thank you to all my readers for your support and for allowing me to laugh with you. Happy New Year and a healthy 2006!