The Whine: Calls from readers who need to get a life

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The HooK: ESSAY- The Whine: Calls from readers who need to get a life

 

 

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Holiday 36

This just in: Thomas Jefferson is dead. This means that we are free to do things that he might– might – not have thought of. So, people, start thinking about new stuff for a change.

 

Hello, you– you think that bumper sticker, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless acts of beauty...Fatso," on the back of your little car is funny? Well, certain people who are trying to lose some weight don't think that's funny at all and just might sit on your hood.

 

Hey, Blue Moon Diner, when are you open? I go for hueveos rancheros all the time, and you're never open. You can't stay in business if you're not open. So open. That's all– bye.

 

Everybody has this big thing about Jefferson and this wonderful school he designed and how we must remain faithful to his vision, and I am in complete agreement. So let's move forward by going back to the original design for the Academical Village. TJ left one end open so the students could have an inspiring view of the Blue Ridge Mountains. But what do we see now opposite the Rotunda, the Blue Ridge Mountains? No, we see Cabell Hall, one of the more grotesque architectural monstrosities on the East Coast. President Casteen: Tear Down This Hall!

 

 So when is the giant bitch board in front of City Hall going up? I want to be the first to write "F*** City Council" in 5' high letters to see how long it will stay there. I mean, it's Free Speech, right? So don't try to take it down– the whole world will be watching.

 

 What's all the fuss about Sally Hemings and Mr. Jefferson? It's just like Monica and Bill, only earlier, right?

 This is for that really good-looking babe that was breast-feeding her kid in public last week. You do that as a turn-on, don't you? You were basically stopping traffic and pretending you didn't notice. But you had those beauties out there for inspection, so don't blame anybody for scoping. Look for yourself on the Internet at boobs-a-gogo.com.

 

I think it's absolutely disgusting that [unintelligible] can't get their act together and stop all the crap. Everybody's getting really fed up with that kind of stuff, and they can't pretend that they don't know it. So just cut it out before someone does something really stupid. Thank you.

 

Hey– the Beta Bridge is going to fall right on the railroad tracks from the weight of all that paint. Then, what will we do instead of going to classes? Buh-bye.

 

You know who you are– you run the red light at McIntire and Long Street every day around 5:15. See– I know who you are, and now so do the cops. Ha, ha.

 

Stop whining about funeral parking. When you die I hope no one comes because they can't park and you will just lie there by yourself.

 

I am a bike rider like Greg Lemond and Lance Armstrong, and I have no problems riding around this area. Everyone is polite and considerate and gives me plenty of space. I carry a digital camera so I can get the license numbers of all these considerate drivers and then call them to thank them for being so considerate. A**H***s.

 

Who's complaining about four-hour boners? I took that stuff and it only lasted about 25 minutes and I was by myself.

 

Where are the hotties in this town? Oh– that's right– this is the home of The University and there are no hotties here. Too bad. I'll just check out Scottsville. Bye.

 

To a certain "sexually active" person out there. Sexually active means you have to move around. If you just lie there, you are not sexually active. You know who you are.

 

To the owner of the car with the NJ plates and the Civil War bumper sticker that says "You Lost. We Won. Get Over It." Better keep on moving thru town and back to NJ where they might appreciate your humor.

 

What's up with the so-called Buffalo Wings in this town– I've tried them everywhere, and they all taste like chicken.

 

I have never ever ever seen such crappy drivers when there is a little bit of snow. No wonder the schools close for days– nobody is safe on the road with you people. So when snow is predicted all of you go to a bar for a few hours until the road crews have put down some stuff– just keep off the roads. That's it. Goodbye.

 

Hey– now that the Krispy Kreme is closed, does anyone know where the cops are hanging out?

 

 Hello– this is supposed to be such a great University with such a great medical school, and I need some self-help, and all I can find are self-help support groups. How can it be self help if it's a group?

 

You creep that thought I didn't notice your camera when I was "breast-feeding my kid." Have I got news for you A**H***– I am a guy– second runner up in the Miss West Virginia Cross Dresser competition if you want to know– and the "kid" was a doll. You pervert– your zipper was going up and down so fast it sounded like crickets. Get a life!

 

Please everyone stop obsessing over what kind of a car Thomas Jefferson would drive: Volvo, Prius, or whatever. Jefferson would not have driven a Volvo. He would have owned someone who would have driven the Volvo.

 

I wear socks with sandals so I don't get dog poop between my toes. Dog poop between my toes hurts my chances with hot babes. So stop bitching about socks. Note to City: how about cleaning up some of the poop?

 

Buenos dias. Habla usted espanol? Muy bien. Me llamo Gomez. Como esta usted? Muy bien. El governmento del ciudad es loco– mucho dinero y el toro poopoo grande. Ave Maria– estan banditios con muchos cohones. Comprende, muchos cuidados comprades? Gracias, buenas noches.

 

Peter James is the nom de plume of a chronic whiner whose whines are ignored.

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