CULTURE- BUZZBOX- Cupidity: What are the chances?

In honor of the only holiday dedicated to sex (and hold the letters, folks, you know it's only the thinnest of veils at this point), the Hook has prepared a handy guide to happy endings. Our new in-house metric, the Getting Lucky Quotient, is a proprietary measure of quantifiable romantic potential designed to take all the guesswork out of seduction.

If you can't make it happen with our step-by-step manual, you're really hopeless. That's right– for those of you alone and snivveling, we just managed to make Valentine's Day even worse! You're welcome.

You Know I Can't Hear You When the Water's Running at the Hamner Theater: Four one-act plays chart the murky waters of relationships, growing up, and growing old. GLQ is a strong 80 percent– especially because when you attempt to sell yourself by fabricating deep and sensitive interpretations of art and theater over dessert after the show, you can afford to botch it three times. Jackpot! $10. 7:30pm. The Hamner Theater, Rockfish Valley Community Center in Nelson County. 434-361-1999 or

Dinner at King Family Vineyards: Impress your significant other with a four-course gourmet meal at the Crozet winery. Clearly, if you can get 'em to agree to come to something like this, you've got it in the bag. GLQ is a really boring 90 percent– missionary only. Oh, well; it's still better than going home alone. 7550 Roseland Farm, Crozet. 823-7800.

Bluebird Trail Seminar at the Ivy Creek Natural Area: The president of the Virginia Bluebird Society shows you how to build a successful bluebird trail and convince the feathery little fellas to settle down

near your house as you trade bird-watching stories with other enthusiasts. GLQ is high only if your lady is a sucker for cute baby boids, but if all else fails, you can always slip off for a little tumble in the woods. Free. 7:30pm. Education Building, Ivy Creek Natural Area, Earlysville Road. 244-2688 or

Silent films at the Bridge: Follow Charlie Chaplin as he runs off into the Arctic in The Gold Rush, and watch a romantically distraught Harold Lloyd bungle a suicide attempt in the 1921 short Never Weaken. GLQ is right at about 50 percent here, but if you can't swing it in your favor, at least you'll have plenty of ideas about what to do next. The Bridge PAI, Monticello Road near Spudnuts. 984-5669 or

Terri Allard and Jan Smith at Gravity Lounge: High GLQ, since dim lighting and couches tucked away in the back where you can both get a little more comfortable will make the whole operation mighty

convenient. We hear there might be music, too. $20, 7pm. 977-5590 or

Lysistrata at Live Arts: This ancient Greek comedy shows pretty much the entire female population of the Mediterranean forcing abstinence on their war-mongering husbands. Not a wise choice for amateurs or

Republicans. 8pm. Live Arts Down stage. 123 E. Water St. 977-4177.

Landscape Management Seminar: The Albemarle County Office Building is your Honeymoon Suite, and you'll be trading in your champagne flutes for exciting seminars like "Grasses and the Design of Mid-Atlantic Livable Landscapes" and "Collecting Rainwater: Is a Practice of the Past a Wave of the Future?" GLQ is excruciatingly low, to say the least... but, dude, if you can pull this one off, you'll be a god among men. $25-$35. 8am-5pm. Albemarle County Office Building Auditorium, 401 McIntire Road. 540-894-9228.

Bleeding Heart Valentine's Ball at Club 216. If last call hits and you're still alone, try dressing your sorry self up and heading over to Charlottesville's premiere after-hours, members-only club. You're probably out of luck at this point anyway, but at least you can go out in a blaze of pathetic desperation. As a late night spot, GLQ is moderately high, but... well, just make sure you know what you're in for.